Trying to find my way

So much going on

2009-08-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

I moved into a bigger house and my little sister Laura moved in with me then bailed while I was at work one day. Nice right? Anyhoo, I had to find Belle a place to live that had a yard for her. She was just too big for my place.

I had so much going on recently I haven't had much time to myself.

Exit Belle and Laura... enter Moose my tea cup min pin puppy. See his pic above. Cute right?

Alot has been going on that is stressing me out and making it hard to focus.

hard to focus at work, at the gym, on the guy I like... I know things are going to be alright. I just need to find a roomie to pay her portion of her rent.

I have some big decisions to make about my family. I've done nothing but constantly give and give and give to them. I always feel like I care more about them than they care about me. It's a sucky feeling.

I feel like I just want to go away and leave everything behind. I got offered orders to Italy, Spain, Singapore and Greece. Awesome right? I also have to decide if I want to stay in the military.

I am hoping the guy I like will step it up and maybe give me a reason to stay. I have some time to decide so no rush... 6 months to decide so who knows what will happen.

Ok...I am rambling.

Being a tough guy

2009-07-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

I learned very early on in life that there are bad people in the world and that bad people inevitably do bad things.
I decided that I was never going to be a victim if I could defend myself. I learned to shoot any gun I could get my hands on. I started doing martial arts and caught on really fast. It just felt natural to me.
When that Matthew Shepherd thing happened it made me train harder. Now this Sailor that was killed at Pendleton... it makes me want to hit the gym and get to work to sharpen my skills. For what though, they don't help anyone else. I wish someone would have been there to help that guy. The world is a naaasty place. I am glad my sisters do martial arts as well. It makes me feel good to know they can defend themselves. Being military press, I am in a weird spot. I am hearing things about it that I can't talk about but, I think people should hear. I want to try to help this kid still. It sucks that there are things about this case that aren't going to be made public.
I just always thought "that is never going to be me", I wonder if he knew how to defend himself?
I wonder if I could if I was in his position. I know I would try though.

2009-06-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

I miss having a mohawk! So freakin' cute.

New realizations...

2009-06-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

So, my ex is seeing someone, that was kind of a shock but, I think I took it well and let him know I knew he had a bf. He basically told me to die and to never talk to him again. I honestly believe he did it to help me let go and to give himself a fresh start. I realize he deserves to be happy and I want that for him more than anything...even more than my own happiness.

Ya know...I deserve to be happy too. That's actually a new realiziation to me.

If I trust myself more and trust God a little more and be patient with getting what I want and agressively persue the things in my life I need to fix then I will be more than ok.

Here goes. *deep breath*

The wedding that never was

2009-05-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

I knew from the first time I kissed him that he was the one. We stayed together through two deployments. We were so in love. I came back changed. While I was deployed he said that he had to become detached from me.I understand that. I built a wall and when I came home I couldn't tear it down. I had no idea what was in my future except that he would be part of it. I felt insecure and craved attention...attention he wasn't giving me. I became a flirtatious ass hole. I would shamelessly flirt with other guys. Despite all that, we loved each other like crazy. When we were good, we were so good. I planned our wedding because I thought he would ask me and everything would get better. Crazy I know but, I was excited about it. We just had too much to get over and it was mostly me being a shit head. Still, I asked him to marry me. I thought that would be the grand gesture that would fix everything and smooth over the last rocky two years. I was still sure we loved each other....he said no. What brings this up? I am sitting in my office with a lot of time to think and I am listening to my wedding song play list and going through the wedding plans I made on theknot.com for us. I am feeling alone and drowning in self pity. Ugh, what do I do? I don't want to start from scratch with someone new! We are never going to work. I am kinda lost.

~Learning humility~

2009-05-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

It's no surprise to anyone that I can be kind of a premadonna and that I think very highly of my talents in my job field. Today, my boss decided to teach me some humility and have me clean the smoking area. I had to sweep all the ashes up and clean out the ash trays. I don't smoke! UGH! It was so gross. I can't wait to get out of the military. Well, I may stay in if I get to go back to a ship again. I have completed a few deployments and now, I think I just want to go to school like a normal guy and spend more time with my family, my friends, and my pup Belle.
In all honesty though, that slice of humble pie was good for me. I should be aware of my skills but, I need to remain humble as well.

~Jake and love~

2009-05-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

Since I was little, I would watch mushy romantic movies, listen to love songs, and read my moms romance/smut books. I would wonder the whole time when I was going to find that guy. The guy that every one of those love songs was about. I am a giant romantic dork and I still think he is out there. When I find him I am kicking him in the balls for taking so damn long. I am convinced that I have never actually dated anyone. I have dated a bunch but, I am pretty sure that each time it was the devil screwing with me. haha Not that I have been a complete saint either though. There were a few good ones I managed to botch.

"I close my eyes and kiss that frog! The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog!"

For now, I have my amazing friends, my awesome family, and my super pooch.

My friends:

I have tons of people I talk to and am chummy with but, I like having a small tight group of friends that I know really give a damn about me.

My rugby team are all great. It's the three amigos all the way on there. Jay and Robby, my best guys. I can trust them with anything on or off the field. Well, NEVER trust them with your phone unless you want everyone to see your skanky pictures or texts. hahah

My family:

I am the oldest of seven kids. Yeah that's right. Four sisters and two brothers. In order: Me, Matt, Alicia, Monica, Laura, Christina, and Mike.

We are really close and they mean the world to me. My parents are always there to be supportive and to give me advice. I am a giant mommas boy. I love her to death. I still call her "mommy."

Belle! My baby pooch. She is not even five months old. She is a golden retriever / black lab. She is all black and looks like a little bear. She got parvo within a week of me getting her. She put up a hell of a fight so I kept paying the vet bills. She is worth every penny. Matt and Mike (my brothers) both have half lab / golden retrievers of their own. Max and Copper.

So, back to me. I am trying to grow as a person. I wanna be better.

I want to be kinder, stronger, better at my job. I want to get married some day so California needs to fix that fast!

This is where I start to grow as a person. RIGHT - THIS -SECOND.

I will be better. I will work harder. I will be sweeter.