The wedding that never was

I knew from the first time I kissed him that he was the one. We stayed together through two deployments. We were so in love. I came back changed. While I was deployed he said that he had to become detached from me.I understand that. I built a wall and when I came home I couldn't tear it down. I had no idea what was in my future except that he would be part of it. I felt insecure and craved attention...attention he wasn't giving me. I became a flirtatious ass hole. I would shamelessly flirt with other guys. Despite all that, we loved each other like crazy. When we were good, we were so good. I planned our wedding because I thought he would ask me and everything would get better. Crazy I know but, I was excited about it. We just had too much to get over and it was mostly me being a shit head. Still, I asked him to marry me. I thought that would be the grand gesture that would fix everything and smooth over the last rocky two years. I was still sure we loved each other....he said no. What brings this up? I am sitting in my office with a lot of time to think and I am listening to my wedding song play list and going through the wedding plans I made on theknot.com for us. I am feeling alone and drowning in self pity. Ugh, what do I do? I don't want to start from scratch with someone new! We are never going to work. I am kinda lost.