The wedding that never was

I knew from the first time I kissed him that he was the one. We stayed together through two deployments. We were so in love. I came back changed. While I was deployed he said that he had to become detached from me.I understand that. I built a wall and when I came home I couldn't tear it down. I had no idea what was in my future except that he would be part of it. I felt insecure and craved attention...attention he wasn't giving me. I became a flirtatious ass hole. I would shamelessly flirt with other guys. Despite all that, we loved each other like crazy. When we were good, we were so good. I planned our wedding because I thought he would ask me and everything would get better. Crazy I know but, I was excited about it. We just had too much to get over and it was mostly me being a shit head. Still, I asked him to marry me. I thought that would be the grand gesture that would fix everything and smooth over the last rocky two years. I was still sure we loved each other....he said no. What brings this up? I am sitting in my office with a lot of time to think and I am listening to my wedding song play list and going through the wedding plans I made on theknot.com for us. I am feeling alone and drowning in self pity. Ugh, what do I do? I don't want to start from scratch with someone new! We are never going to work. I am kinda lost.

~Learning humility~

It's no surprise to anyone that I can be kind of a premadonna and that I think very highly of my talents in my job field. Today, my boss decided to teach me some humility and have me clean the smoking area. I had to sweep all the ashes up and clean out the ash trays. I don't smoke! UGH! It was so gross. I can't wait to get out of the military. Well, I may stay in if I get to go back to a ship again. I have completed a few deployments and now, I think I just want to go to school like a normal guy and spend more time with my family, my friends, and my pup Belle.
In all honesty though, that slice of humble pie was good for me. I should be aware of my skills but, I need to remain humble as well.

~Jake and love~

Since I was little, I would watch mushy romantic movies, listen to love songs, and read my moms romance/smut books. I would wonder the whole time when I was going to find that guy. The guy that every one of those love songs was about. I am a giant romantic dork and I still think he is out there. When I find him I am kicking him in the balls for taking so damn long. I am convinced that I have never actually dated anyone. I have dated a bunch but, I am pretty sure that each time it was the devil screwing with me. haha Not that I have been a complete saint either though. There were a few good ones I managed to botch.

"I close my eyes and kiss that frog! The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog!"

For now, I have my amazing friends, my awesome family, and my super pooch.

My friends:

I have tons of people I talk to and am chummy with but, I like having a small tight group of friends that I know really give a damn about me.

My rugby team are all great. It's the three amigos all the way on there. Jay and Robby, my best guys. I can trust them with anything on or off the field. Well, NEVER trust them with your phone unless you want everyone to see your skanky pictures or texts. hahah

My family:

I am the oldest of seven kids. Yeah that's right. Four sisters and two brothers. In order: Me, Matt, Alicia, Monica, Laura, Christina, and Mike.

We are really close and they mean the world to me. My parents are always there to be supportive and to give me advice. I am a giant mommas boy. I love her to death. I still call her "mommy."

Belle! My baby pooch. She is not even five months old. She is a golden retriever / black lab. She is all black and looks like a little bear. She got parvo within a week of me getting her. She put up a hell of a fight so I kept paying the vet bills. She is worth every penny. Matt and Mike (my brothers) both have half lab / golden retrievers of their own. Max and Copper.

So, back to me. I am trying to grow as a person. I wanna be better.

I want to be kinder, stronger, better at my job. I want to get married some day so California needs to fix that fast!

This is where I start to grow as a person. RIGHT - THIS -SECOND.

I will be better. I will work harder. I will be sweeter.